I became the worst version of myself tonight. I’m not certain I had regrets, but I did realize my issue.
As I drove home from work, with a menthol cigarette lit and the soft glow of streetlights cascading into my car, I realized I was strangely comfortable with this realization.
But strangely comfortable.
I’m fairly fucked now.
I told her I couldn’t see her for lunch. “Work called me in early. I’m sorry; I can’t make it.” Such a bullshit excuse.
But I didn’t stop there.
I deleted her number from my phone. Her pictures from my computer. Her scent from my memory. I erased all thought and impression of her. I really had no choice in the matter.
She is lovely. And she is heavenly.
But she is a destroyer.
A destructive force that I could never withstand.
So I turn on my shower. Hot water is healing water today. I let myself fall into a bliss of satisfaction, depression, wisdom and acceptance.
I won today.
I may lose tomorrow.
But I won today.
So who gives a fuck about tomorrow?
Don’t be afraid; it’s only your body that dies.
I hate those moments when I’m scrolling through my dash like mad, and my tumblr app closes itself, and im left like “yeah, ok, that was excessive, maybe it’s time for a break”
I do the same thing, but then again its usually because I’m in public and I’m trying to avoid the onslaught of nudity. I don’t mind it. The senior citizens who frequent my store just might, though.